In honor of Devin Seguin (June 28, 1990 – July 25, 2013)

This month has been a month of embracing the grief around the loss of my son. There is no time limit on grief as I just honor myself and know that he is with me every day. I no longer worry what anyone else thinks when it comes to my grieving. There is no time limit on grief and it is so important that a person grieve the way YOU need to grieve and not the way others feel you should grieve. This year will be 9 years since he passed and the tears still flow. Not as much as they used to, but I really feel it in June and July as all the big things like his birthday, his anniversary and the anniversary of his passing all happen in one month.

The tears for me represent all the love I have for my son.

The tears are for all the beautiful memories I have with my son.

The tears are for all the joy and happiness I felt the day he was born and I held him in my arms for the first time.

The tears are for the day I had to watch him get on the bus for the first time and the realization my baby was growing up.

The tears are for all the beautiful memories I have from his hockey years.

The tears are for all the teenage years when I got to see him grow into a man.

The tears are for the times he knew I needed a hug and would just come up and wrap his arms around me.

The tears are for not getting to hear him call me mommy when he did something he figured he would be in trouble for.

The tears are for not getting to hear the words “I love you” from him.

The tears are for not getting to tell him in person how much I love him.

The tears are for us not being able to have our daily calls and text messages just to check up on each other.

The tears are for not being able to watch him grow and mature into the amazing man he was.

The tears are for the moments that happen that he is not here for.

The tears are for all of the things he is missing as his daughter grows up.

The tears are for all the hugs that we are not able to give each other.

The tears are for all the dreams that went away after his passing.

The tears are for all the dreams, as a parent, I had for him in his life.

The tears are for the inability to just hang out with each other.

The tears are for all the bike trips that he is not there for.

The tears are for just the unconditional love we had for each other.

This is why I grieve. This is why I cry. This is my way of honoring my son and ensuring that I honor his legacy. This is my way of protecting his memory.

Devin was a truly remarkable young man. Devin truly embodied living life to the fullest, trusting life and just being his true authentic self. Devin was only 23 when he passed, but he had accomplished so much, he had his life figured out. He had just sold his second house and bought his third, he had his own company, he was married to the love of his life, he had his first anniversary while he was sick and him and his wife were expecting their first child. Everyone truly considered Devin their best friend, he was so loving, caring and compassionate and everyone thought the world of him. Devin was a big man but he was the biggest teddy bear and he just glowed when he smiled. I have always said that his personality was larger than life.

For me, in losing Devin, it has felt like part of me was just ripped apart. I felt so broken for so long. After he passed I cried until my body just couldn’t take it anymore then the numbness kicked in. The trauma and grief around it was so painful that it felt like I was in a haze. Each day when I woke up, I would think it was all a bad nightmare then reality would kick me in the face and it was time to get up and live as that is what Devin would want.

I am at a place now where I understand that he was put on this earth to have a purpose and I know, without a doubt, he fulfilled his life purpose. That does not mean that it doesn’t hurt like crazy that he is not here with me today. He fulfilled his soul contract and I know that we will be together again one day, but while I am here on earth, I will continue to celebrate my son and how amazing of a young man he was.

With all of the hurt, grief and sadness, there is also love joy and happiness. I know that though he is not here in human form today for everything I have discussed, he is here with me today, just in a different form than I imagined and in that it brings me comfort. I can still talk to him when I am having a rough day and ask for a hug and within seconds that sensation I felt every time he hugged me is there. I feel his arms around me. So, I know he never leaves my side. I know that our bond can never be broken. And in that, I have decided to continue to honor my son and strive to have a happy, fulfilling life while I am still here as I know when my time comes, he will be right there waiting for me welcoming me home again.