I have suffered with health issues most of my life. Even as a teenager, I remember all of the stomach issues that I had, and the nights curled in the fetal position in tears as I was in so much pain.

At 32, I had a minor stroke. I was happy to be alive, however, the aftereffects of that definitely affected me. I used to say that I was having an episode. An episode consisted of the pain getting worse and worse. Sometimes, if I changed my habits and took it very easy for a bit, it would subside. Other times, I would start to have an episode and it would not matter what I did, I would end up in excruciating pain and end up in the hospital.

The one time I remember going in and the emergency room doctor asked me what he should do. I just remember being so confused by that; did he think that I wanted to be there? He was the doctor, not me and if I knew what to do, I definitely would not be there. I was so angry because when these incidents happened, the treatment was usually the same. They would try one medication that never worked, then a second that usually just made me really dopey and if that helped, I would be sent home and sleep for like two days, then the pain would subside, and life would get back to normal. When the second medication would not do anything, then I would get admitted to the hospital and put on morphine drip. Yes, you read right, morphine drip. Once I was on that, I would basically sleep non-stop for days and then usually within a week, the pain would subside, and I would be released. They never had an answer for me as to what was going on. I went to specialist after specialist, and they diagnosed me with fibromyalgia and chronic pain syndrome.

I remember going to the one specialist and that time I thought maybe finally I would make some headway because I was in the middle of an episode. I had to get help to walk into the hospital as I was in so much pain I could barely walk. I got called into the room and the doctor came in. He did not ask me anything, he did not check me, he did nothing. He basically made me feel like I was mentally unstable and wrote a prescription. I was so mad. Again, did he think I was doing this because I wanted to be there? I had some choice words for him and took his prescription, ripped it up and threw it on the floor and walked out.

This was my life for many years and then in 2018, I had another episode but this one lasted for almost two years and was worse than I had ever experienced in the past. I spent 90% of my time on bedrest. When I got out of bed, I would break into a sweat because the pain was so bad. Some days I struggled to even turn the tv on as the pain was so bad. My life had become 24/7 excruciating pain and my focus became just focusing on one breathe at a time because that is what I needed to do in that moment.

During that time, I was on multiple different medications, at one point I was on a dozen meds. One med was to help with this but caused these side effects, so I would get another med to counteract those symptoms which caused other symptoms and the list just went on and on. At a certain point, I knew I was living in a total haze all the time from all the meds but the one consistent was that I was still in crazy amounts of pain. I knew I had to do something.

After a few other things transpired including the episode finally started letting up, I was ready to start finding my own way to heal and move on. I found myself drawn to meditation and affirmations. Over time, I started working on healing from all the trauma, especially the loss of my son. The more I felt better, the more I wanted more for myself. The more I learned about myself the more I wanted to learn.

I didn’t know how to explain it but the pain my body felt now when I overdid it was more like a normal pain and it was like my brain knew it would be better and I had just over done it. It was definitely not like the pain someone feels during a fibro episode. I started finding myself saying that as long as I stayed on the path that I was on, I didn’t feel that I would have further episodes.

Then the day came, it just finally clicked one day. I started looking back at what was happening in my life when I had the minor stroke, when I tended to end up having an episode and especially what was happening when I ended up on bed rest. TRAUMA, that is what was happening.

I have come to realize that over the years, my mind decided that it was easier to feel pain in my body because that I could handle, than it was to feel the pain from the traumas I had experienced. Now, I am sure I am making some people mad by that comment, especially if you have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I would have been mad if I had read this statement as well when things were tough, and I was in a full blown episode. The reality is that it was not in my head, not at all. It was my mind trying to process the trauma and since the pain was so bad emotionally, at some point, something changed, and the pain was easier to handle in the body rather than dealing with the emotional pain of everything I had experienced.

Upon this realization, I have made a total commitment to myself. I have committed to truly healing from all the trauma I have experienced and all the emotions that have been buried for years and working through them. I have chosen to heal that wounded child and let her feel safe for the first time in her life.

It has not been an easy journey, but it has been worth while. The first time I experienced peace in my life made me an addict for that feeling. The pain of healing is sometimes very difficult, but the rewards are priceless. I am more powerful every day and I stand in my power and be me at all times. Like me or not, I am me and that is perfect. And the added bonus to being so amazed by myself on a daily basis is that I truly believe that as long as I work through the traumas, I don’t feel like I will ever have another issue with fibromyalgia or chronic pain. My body was sending me signals, I just wasn’t listening!!!!