After losing my son, my life became so difficult to even get up and approach the day. The pain of losing one of your children is unbearable. You know that you will never be the same person again and you have to find a way to live each day with that huge part of you missing. Over time for me, due to that and the environment I was in, my body chose to handle all the pain and stress by shutting down. I spent a significant amount of time on bed rest due to the pain. My health got worse and worse to the point that I felt I was going to be with my son again very soon.

Then one day, as I lay there in bed, I knew it was at the point where a decision needed to be made. As I lay there thinking about whether it was time to go be with Devin again or not, I remember scolding myself and thinking “HOW DARE YOU, how dare you take the easy way out. Devin did not have a choice and he would give anything to be here with his daughter and he was not given that chance.”

Apparently, that was the defining moment for me. It was time to fight for my life and heal. My other son and grand daughter needed me. For me, it was that realization that made me know that it was time to truly start healing from the trauma of losing my son.

At first, what I needed to focus most on was to give myself permission to live again after Devin’s loss. He would not want me to never smile again or never be happy again. I knew this all along, but it is one thing to say it and another to actually believe in your soul that it is possible.

The work started with that belief of healing/neutralizing that trauma enough to move on. Over time though, I realized that I was only going to truly heal if I took on the huge work of healing and neutralizing from all the traumas I have experienced in life. It has been a very difficult journey but a rewarding one at the same time.

Throughout this journey, I have had some major highs and some major lows. I have had times where I asked myself if I really wanted to stay on this journey as it was so hard. Then I would have a shift forward again that would lead to some huge highs, and I would keep pushing on.

I have spent so much time dealing with one trauma at a time and just approaching them and working on them as they came up. I came to realize all the limiting beliefs I had created for myself due to the trauma I had experienced. Some of the stuff that arose in healing was shocking, painful and extremely scary but I was committed to myself and so I pushed on. I have worked so hard on myself and just tackled one thing at a time.

The end of last week, I was feeling another thing bubbling to the surface and so I knew it was time to tackle that as well. I worked through it and felt exhausted but good at the same time. As I have then allowed things to settle again, an unusual thing happened. I sat there early this week meditating and asking myself what was next, what did I need to work on.

For the first time ever, nothing came up. I am not feeling any pain from the traumas that I need to work on. I was not feeling any negative emotions or limiting beliefs coming up. I was just feeling at peace. I was very confused by that as I have never felt that before but there was nothing there.

I have decided to live in this peaceful state and if something does pop up again, I will handle it as it arises. For now, I am going to enjoy the total peace I am feeling. I have never felt this in my whole life, so it is all new. I am now so in tune with my mind, body and soul and I know that I will know if something is bubbling up again.

The complete and utter freedom I am feeling now allows me to dream, I can do whatever I feel like, and I know I will be successful at it. I will never be the person I was as that is not even possible anymore, I respect and love myself too much now to allow that to ever transpire again. I will stand tall in my truth and just love every day that I am alive!!!!