Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse when someone is forcing you to question your thoughts, memories, and even your own sanity through manipulation. It is most commonly seen in relationships with bosses, friends, parents and even spouses.

The term gaslighting has been around since the 1938 play called “Gas Light” came out. It was a play about a man who manipulated his wife to make her think she was losing her sense of reality so he can commit her to a mental institution and steal her inheritance.

 In society today, we see more and more gaslighting happening. Common characteristics of the gaslighter may include some or all of the following:

• Someone with a low sense of self esteem or self worth
• A highly manipulative personality
• They can come across charismatic and charming making it harder to catch if you are being gaslit or they can be reserved making it easier to spot if they are trying to gaslight you
• Someone with lots of insecurities but cover them up by constantly pointing out everyone else’s flaws
• Extremely controlling and they do not respond well if they do not have the power
• Someone with narcissistic tendencies

Gaslighting happens when the gaslighter uses manipulation tactics to try and make the gaslightee feel that they are losing their mind. They make the gaslightee start to question their own beliefs and thoughts around an event that has taken place. 

Some warning signs to watch for to determine if you are being gaslit include:

• Misremembering
  • In a work setting this could include things like your boss claiming they never received a document that was due Friday when you know you had it to them by that day
  • In a relationship, the gaslighter may pretend like they do not understand or refuses to listen when you confront them about something, especially previous abusive behavior on their part
• Over-apologizing
  • In a work setting if you find yourself over apologizing to your boss for consistently being made to feel like you are doing something wrong. In these situations you may have been told to do it differently the last time then when you do it the way they told you this time, they still claim you are wrong. It gives you the feeling of not being able to do anything correctly.
  • In a relationship, you find yourself trying to tell the person your thoughts and when they correct you non-stop, you find yourself apologizing to them for basically having an opinion as it did not match up to theirs.
• Questioning
  • In a work setting, the gaslighting boss or co-worker will make you feel like you are remembering events wrong, even when you are sure of what happened.
  • In a relationship, the gaslighter will make you feel like events that have transpired are completely different than what you remember and totally disregard your version of events to the point where you think you may be losing your mind.
• Lies
  • In a work setting, the gaslighting boss or co-worker may take something off your desk and when you ask for it back, they will outright deny they ever borrowed or took it. This lie may make you question whether you misplaced the item yourself.
  • In a relationship, the lies tend to be bold. They may claim things like “I never hit you” even when you are standing directly in front of them with bruises. You are clear they are lies because you have the bruises to show for it but because they are so adamant and so consistent in their lies, you may start to question yourself.
• Diversion
  • In a work setting, a gaslighter may claim they are working on something for you, when clearly they are not. When they most likely have not even started it, then they may claim that the information is not important or not needed. You start to believe them though you know that it needs to be done.
  • In a relationship, if the gaslighter changes the subject each time you try and speak to them about lies or blocks you from talking at all or claims your memory isn’t the best, you are probably being gaslit. They are choosing to divert from the real issue to put the blame on you and not allow you to speak your truth. In a relationship, a common tactic can be to completely blow up about something that has nothing at all to do with the issue you are trying to address.
• Trivializing
  • In a work setting, a gaslighter may tell you it is not important to come to a meeting the next morning as it is not important. Then when you do not attend, they may come at you aggressively for not attending. If you try and speak up about the previous conversation from the day before, they may tend to act like the conversation never happened or call you down claiming your stupidity as you knew the importance of it.
  • In a relationship, when you try and address something, a gaslighter may call you overly emotional, claim you are over reacting, disregard any feelings you may have around the situation. They may even ask you questions like “Why are you being so dumb?” or “Why would you get upset over something so dumb?”
• Forgetfulness
  • In a work setting, they may claim that a lunch break is to be 30 minutes each day and then you can catch them the next day taking an hour. If you confront or challenge their behavior, they will make excuses or completely forget the discussion that you had had with them about 30 minute breaks.

If you think someone is gaslighting you, some questions you can ask yourself include:

• Am I regularly doubting my version of events?
• Do I rely on that person to tell me what actually happened?
• Am I afraid to share my opinions in fear that I will be told that I’m wrong?
• Do I feel isolated?
• Am I constantly apologizing?
• Am I constantly making excuses for the person?
• Am I always walking on eggshells?
• Does the person call me dumb or crazy?
• Does the person accuse me of being too sensitive all the time?
• Does the person doubt my intelligence?

For someone who is in a gaslighting situation, you can start to question every thought you have. A gaslighter will break you down to the point that you can’t even make the simplest of decisions. You may feel more and more on edge each day that this happens. The longer you are in a gaslighting situation, the harder it can be to remove yourself from the situation.

Someone that is at the hands of a gaslighter over long periods of time can find that they become depressed, anxiety goes up, over time they become more and more isolated, they can lose hope of ever being able to get out of the situation and they can become trauma bonded to the gaslighter. Gaslighting can be severe enough to cause long mental health concerns as well such as post traumatic stress and decreased self esteem.

If you feel that you are the victim of gaslighting, there are a few things that you can do to start to find your way out of being the victim. These can include:

• Start a journal to document events so that you can come back later and reread them. This allows you to clearly see that your recollection of events is accurate.
• Talk to someone. This may be easier said than done. If it is a work situation, speak to someone outside your work that you trust that can help you start to get clarity on the situation you are in. If the gaslighter is a parent or someone you have a relationship with, speak to someone you trust and talk with them to help you get clarity. If you have no one that you trust, you may want to focus on journaling initially and then getting professional help of the situation is extreme enough.
• Take time for self care. Self care helps you to be calm and clear so that you can navigate the situation. Self care is critical if you are in this type of situation.
• Get some distance. You are not going to change their behaviour and so getting some distance allows you to clear your head and stay focused. This can involve anything from just stepping away from a situation where you feel they are gaslighting you or just taking a few minutes to yourself to clear your head so that you can get better clarity. If you are in a gas lighting situation at work, start to look for another job.
• If the situation is bad enough, make an appointment for professional help.

Gaslighting can be very detrimental to a person’s well being so if you find yourself in a situation like listed above, get some help and start to recognize and clarify your thoughts. Severe gaslighting is very traumatic and can actually cause changes in your nervous system and so you need to get clarity and take the steps you need to get healthy for you. Just remember “YOU ARE NOT CRAZY; YOU ARE BEING MANIPULATED”.