Trauma bonding tends to happen in a domestic relationship between spouses but can happen in cases involving sexual abuse, elder abuse, sexual abuse, incest and human trafficking as well.

Trauma bonding involves an emotional attachment between two people that involves physical and/or emotional abuse that occurs within the relationship. Trauma bonding is created when there is a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement. The trauma bonding cycle tends to start with the following steps:

1. Two people get into a relationship and because of a person’s basic need for human attachment a bond forms.
2. One of the people in the relationship becomes dependent on the other.
3. The first episode of abuse happens whether it is physical, emotional or both.
4. After the abuse, the abuser swears it will never happen again.
5. Then 3 and 4 start to happen repetitively.

As the trauma bonding begins to increase (steps 3 and 4 above), the abuse starts to break down into the following cycle:

1. There is a build up. In this phase the abuser tends to become irritable and short tempered, and the tension starts to rise. When this starts to happen, the abused person will start to feel it in their brain and body through the body’s ability to go into fight/flight. When the abused person’s body goes into this phase then they begin walking on eggshells as their body knows what is coming. The abused person may even go into people pleaser mode trying to do everything and anything to prevent the inevitable.
2. The abuse happens. During this phase is when the abuser is the most vicious and cruel. The abuser may physically beat the abused person, or it may involve more psychological tactics like mind games or increased verbal abuse consisting of beating the abused person down emotionally rather than physically. The abuser can also just start acting out in ways that terrify the abused person making them feel unsafe, scared, powerless, helpless, anxious, fearful or extremely panicked.
3. The cycle now goes into the honeymoon phase. During this part of the cycle, the abuser will tend to go into the love bombing phase and make the abused person feel loved. The abuser can use such tactics as grand gestures, offer to go for help, apologize, may try to pass it off as they just lost their cool, shower the abused with gifts and or compliments, anything to try to calm the abused person down.

When the cycle is continuing over and over, the abused person will start to feel more and more like they are on a roller coaster ride that they can’t get off. They become addicted to the love bombing and can overlook the abuse that is continually taking place. The thought of leaving the abuser becomes extremely confusing and overwhelming to the abused person. The abused person will start to feel more and more attached and dependent on the abuser. The abused person’s brain actually becomes trained to wait out the abuse as they know it will get better and they hold on to the love bombing phase that is coming.

Trauma bonding has several signs and symptoms to watch for. These include:

• The abused person covers up and makes excuses for the behavior of the abuser. These can be subtle signs but if you watch you will see it in the dynamics of the relationship.
• The abused person will lie to those close to them such as friends and family about the abuse in order to protect the abuser.
• The abused person will start to become more and more distanced from the people they were closest to before. The abused person will spend more and more time only with the abuser.
• The abused person feels uncomfortable to leave the situation. They may feel shocked that they got into a situation like what they are finding themselves in. They may be afraid to leave fearing for the repercussions of leaving or their self worth has just deteriorated to a point that they don’t feel that leaving is an option. The abused person may not even see the severity of the situation they are in.
• The abused person believes it is their fault. They may feel that if they just wouldn’t have done this or wouldn’t have said that, that the abuse would not have occurred. The abused person may feel great shame and feel like it is their fault for getting into this situation in the first place.

For those looking from the outside in, a person may feel like telling their friend or family member to just leave. For the person who is trauma bonded to the abuser, it is never that simple.

In order to break a trauma bond, there are a number of steps that a person can take that include:

1. You first step is to realize that you are in a toxic relationship. Now, to some this may feel like a silly statement. How can a person not know they are in a toxic relationship? For a lot that find themselves trauma bonded, it may not happen over night but rather over a period of time. This is maybe all the person ever knew and to them this was viewed as a healthy or acceptable relationship based on the person’s history.
2. There is a clear imbalance of power in the relationship. This is the state where the abuser has taken away the power of the abused person in order to take total control over a part of the abused person’s life. Examples of control used by abusers could include controlling the abused physically, controlling the abused emotionally, controlling the abused sexually or controlling the abused financially. The control may not be visible to others if it involves being controlled emotionally, sexually or financially. The abused person over time becomes very good at hiding the abuse.
3. You have chosen to leave before but continually get pulled back. There can be many reasons a person gets pulled back into a relationship but the biggest thing about trauma bonding is the abused over time has put so much emphasis on the love bombing stage and tends to marginalize the events leading up to the abuse and the abuse itself. A person may push their emotions down when times are bad, and the body starts to feel a weird sense of safety knowing the love bombing is coming. This will be felt both within the mind and the body.

Trauma bonding is very serious and should not be taken lightly. If you think you are in this type of relationship, start by finding a way to document when these things happen. When you start to track the severity of what has happened in each cycle, it makes it easier to start seeing through what is truly happening. If you are able to leave the situation, be sure to block any contact or communication with the abuser. Their main focus will be on working your emotions to get you back in the cycle again.  If you are unable to leave the situation or don’t feel safe to leave the situation, reach out to someone you can trust and start there. If you fear for your safety or just have no one to turn to, seek professional help.